Heartbeats
by Crystaline-Crimson
Summary: ShuuheixRenji. Implied RenjixIchigo and RenjixShuuhei. Because it's always Ichigo and never Shuuhei - is it really so hard to scream?


AN: This took me like, four months. oO And I'm still not happy with the ending, but I can't get it any better. n.n' Anyway, here's my introduction to the Bleach fandom. The song is Heartbeats by José Gonzàlez - the lyrics are the italicised lines.

Heartbeats

We'll lie here, just for tonight, okay? My hand entwined in your wild red hair, taken down for once from that ponytail.

_One night to be confused._

I don't know what I'm doing here. You know even less, because you don't know that I'm falling in love with you and it really, really hurts. It hurts that I love you. It hurts that you don't know - it's worse because I can't tell you. Its fucking agony, babe.

_One night to speed up truths_.

I could tell you. I could tell you a lot of things, like how I know that it's not my name poised on your lips when you're screaming, and that's how I know that why you never say my name. But you'll find out some day. But… Then again. If you haven't figured it out by now, maybe you'll _never_ realise _just_ how badly I want you to scream for me.

_We had a promise made; four hands and then away._

It's not that difficult to understand what we have here. It's physical, and you're physical and I'm physical and that's all we need. We're _physical_ – and then there's no 'we' after that. Just 'you' and 'me' and a silent 'him'. Silent hymn. Silent words that are even less audible than his name on your breath; breath that I'll steal from you if I have to use force.

_Both under influence, we had divine sense_

Oh, sure, the first time we were drunk. The first time we didn't know what we were doing. You knew more than I did. You knew that it meant nothing. I thought it meant _something, anything. Anything_ instead of than nothing at all.

_To know what to say,_

I won't say I love you. I won't say I want you. I won't say I need you. And in return, you won't say, 'Ichigo'.

_Mind is a razor blade._

I won't say I love you. I won't say I want you. I won't say I need you. I won't think, 'cause I'll get it wrong. And in return, you'll kiss me, sweetly, like I mean something. And you'll say, 'Ichigo' by accident, and I'll pretend I didn't hear.

_To call for hands above, to lean on_,

You and me and him and hymn and prayer and God and _Oh God, harder_, and holy and 'not whole, not whole without you' and Jesus and _Sweet Jesus, HARDER!_ Our saviour. Not me.

_Wouldn't be good enough, for me, no._

There is no God. Cannot be, cannot be a God if there is no justice in this world. God is justice, God hates me and I don't deserve this punishment – it is not justice. We, the Death Gods, are the _only_ Gods. We deliver the only justice. This is not justice.

_One night of magic rush: the start, a simple touch._

Sometimes you're soft and gentle – it's those times that you'll enter me and I'll kiss you as much as you want me to so that, even when we part, your eyes are closed. You rarely touch my face. Do I disgust you? Do these scars disgust you? You disgust _me_, so we're equal. Love me; want me; need me, sing. A hymn? No, just a love song. Just scream if you need to let it out. You don't disgust me. You enthral me. You _make_ me need you.

_One night to push and scream,_

Usually, I top. You just can't escape that fact; it's common knowledge to all that know us. But they couldn't guess why, they could never guess why. I want to dominate you, punish you. I want to fill your head with my name so I can fill my head with your voice. Scream, scream _my_ name! Not his! Hisagi Shuuhei! Not Kurosaki Ichigo! I'm better, I'm better, I'm better. I'm better than him. I'm better… I'm better…

_And then, relief._

You're a whore. You're my whore and I can't ever keep you. There's no relief, no relief in unsaid words. I _burn_ to say them. Sing with me, just for an hour, a minute, a second, a day, a year, a lifetime. And in return, I'll be your everything. Let me be your _something_. You can play the guitar if you want – but be careful, you might dent those fingers. You play the guitar, I'll sing, and we'll write an acoustic love song.

_Ten days of perfect hues, the colours red and blue._

Let's be a jigsaw puzzle. We fit together perfectly. I fit inside you, you fit inside me – we'll solve the puzzle together. I'll be complete, I'll finally be fucking complete. I've been torn apart all this time and every moment with you _hurts_. Oh god, every night I spend with you rips me open like some kind of hole in my chest. Am I becoming a Hollow? I feel so empty.

_We had a promise made, we were in love._

You closed your eyes and you said _stay with me_.

I said nothing. Then I agreed, because if you can pretend, then so can I.

_To call for hands above_

Sing, sing, sing with me. Sing for him, sing for Him, sing for our Lord Jesus, sing for _me_. Play the guitar and we'll make it an acoustic. Fill the room and echo; echo. Again; again. I love you…

_To lean on_

Catch me. I caught you. Love me. I loved you. Love me, I love you, I love you, I love you. I _beg_ you to love me – how is it possible for a feeling so strong to never be mutual? I never even believed in love 'til I fell in it.

_Wouldn't be good enough,_

Nothing's ever good enough for you. You always want more; always want what you can't have; always want him. We're the same, you see – I always want you and you always want him and we just can't have what we want. But if we're the same then why can't you see that we _fit_?! We're perfect.

_For me, no._

I hate lying. We're not perfect. I'm perverted and weak and 'only vice captain' – but so are you. You're only vice captain too, isn't that right? But you're also brash and rude and loud and obnoxious. Kind of like him. I don't want him though, I want you. We're not perfect. But we fit – and what else matters? Nothing, nothing, nothing.

_To call for hands above_

Come on, it's not that hard to sing. You're a rock singer, so you can scream if you'd prefer. That's what you sound like when you're singing. But if I know you can scream, then why is one name so hard to scream out? _Shuuhei, Shuuhei, Shuuhei._ Say it, BITCH! You're WORTHLESS!

_Wouldn't be good enough_

You're worthless, you're disgusting, you're vile, you're scum! You break the rules, you break my heart, you break your promises, you break my fantasies – just like I break yours. You pretend I'm Ichigo, I pretend you love me. It's simple; it's so complicated.

_And you, you knew the hand of the devil_

Hands – they're amazing body parts, aren't they? Yours are bigger than mine; and you know what they say about men with big hands. God, you're always so cocky. Always looking down on me and thinking you're better than me. Renji, how many times do I have to say this? We're the same and that's why we work so well together. That's why we should be together. That's why I love you, why you should love me.

_And you kept us awake with wolves' teeth_

Make me scream, I beg you. I'm so sick of making _you_ scream when you never do it right. Here, I'll show you how it's done. What you have to do is shout, literally _scream_ and _cry_ out the other's name. I'll show you. _RENJI, OH GOD, RENJI! HARDER, HARDER! RENJI! _Let me scream that, please. I know you're thinking it's his voice. That's how you finish, I bet. It's the only way you can. It's because you're hearing his voice scream my words. Sing my words. My hymn. My song. You're letting him sing _our_ song!

_Sharing different heartbeats_

I love the ending. When you're done and I'm done and we lay there. And your eyes are closed. Sometimes they're closed so tightly because you're trying not to cry. Or you're trying not to let any reality in through them. I lie, sprawled across you, and feel your hand tangled in my hair. I hear your heart beneath my head as it lays on your chest, hear your breathing. I smell sweat and taste that metallic twist of blood from biting my tongue. I know it's not me that you see. I'll be him. I have no spine, I can't protest against it. I can only silently agree, and let you pretend. It's kinder. Me and Ichigo, we're not so different. You and I can both pretend that I'm him. Then you'll be in love with me.

_In one night_

I hate the times when you have somewhere to be, and you have to be bothered to get up and go. You never wake me up, you never leave a note, you never tell me where or when you're going; when you'll come back. Sometimes I think it's 'cause you don't _want_ to come back. You don't want to be here, deceiving yourself, addicted to the thoughts and feelings of that _pretend_ Shinigami sharing your bed or my bed (it's never mattered which; you prefer it to be my house, I know this. It's because then you can just run away afterwards and act like it never happened – but then again, if it's your house then you feel like you have control. What a joke. You're never in control).

_To call for hands above_

_**STOP PRETENDING!**_ Let me scream_ that_ instead of your name!

_To lean on_

Whenever I fell, I always used to catch myself. Now I don't know where I'll land. I don't know how to catch myself. Please, help me just once. Help me to fall _out_ of love. I'll pay anything, I promise.

_Wouldn't be good enough_

I just can't take it – it's not enough to just be with you and pretend. I'm sick of pretending, I'm so _sick_ of it! I want reality, and I've never said that before. I'm sick of imagination, and I'm sick of him.

_For me, no_

I'm sick of being second best. 'if you can't have him, have me' – I'm sick of that. Physically sick.

_To call for hands above_

Please, call for me. Ask where I am. Ask how I am. Ask if I love you – you know the answer. Call out, 'Shuuhei, there you are!' so I know you've been looking for me, that you care for me. Call out 'there you are!' so I know where I am.

_To lean on_

I don't know where I am anymore. I'm so lost, I'm so lost.

_Wouldn't be good enough._

Who am I?

It feels like… only you can tell me.

And you don't want to tell me the truth, do you?

You want Ichigo. And I want you.

Face it, you're gonna have to settle for second best.

.

AN: Con-crit, please? TT


End file.
